Comedy

June 15th, 2010

excerpt from ” The Green Room ” written by Chris Hind

INT. TELEVISION GREEN ROOM — DAY
A young male PERMITTEE arranges the food on the craft
service table. JESUS, dressed as a Rastafarian, stumbles
under the weight of the cross he carries into the room.
He positions it between his make-up mirror and the mirror
of his identical brother the Anti-Christ, AC. Jesus
stretches, sits in front of his mirror and lights a
joint. MARY, the short and pudgy virgin mother of the two
brothers, draws a pentagram in the floor out of blood
that she gets from a Tupperware container. She grunts and
moans as she bends down to draw.

MARY
(Jewish accent)
Couldn’t walk into the room like
everyone else! Prince of Darkness,
ha! Princess is more like it.

JESUS
Nice one Ma.

MARY
And who’s going to clean this
blood up, like I’m not busy trying
to clean the sulphur from your
brothers underwear.

Jesus stares up at the ceiling and exhales smoke. AC
shoots up through the pentagram in a puff of acrid smoke
making his mother cough. AC is immaculately dressed in a
black suit, not a molecule is out of place. He wears
sunglasses.

AC
(to Mary)
Mother.
(to Jesus)
Father’s pet.

He takes the shades off revealing red and fiery eyes.

JESUS
Did you drive here?

AC raises his eyebrows.

JESUS (CON’T)
Ma said you haven’t been paying
attention and have had to skid to
a stop a few times!

AC glares at the laughing and quite stoned Jesus.

MARY
Stop arguing and get ready for the
debate.
(sighs)
My boys on TV! The other mothers
at coffee will be so jealous.

JESUS
Ma! Don’t forget about all the
souls were trying to win.

MARY
Phewie! And don’t embarrass me by
picking you nose.

The boys have stopped listening and face their mirrors.
Jesus giggles and looks at himself through the nail hole
in his hand. AC sits up straight with his fingers
steepled and repeats public speaking affirmations.

AC
I deeply and completely accept
myself. I am confident and a well
respected member of the community.
People want to hear what I have to
say.

MARY
Jesus Christ! Where’s your speech?

JESUS
Oh ma! I’ll just free flow! I need
some music to relax.

Mary shakes her head and goes to get a coffee.
Jesus snaps his finger and a COCKATIEL materializes on
the arm of the cross, closest to Jesus.

COCKATIEL
Jesus?

JESUS
Yes.

COCKATIEL
Do you love me?

JESUS
I think you know.

COCKATIEL
(sings)
For the bible tells me so.

The bird continues the song.

AC
(spins in chair)
Oh really, must we listen to this
drivel?

MARY
Look, Beelze — BUB! Leave your
brother alone.

She walks over to AC wagging her finger.

MARY (CON’T)
A little singing would do you some
good.

She grabs and twists his ear until he screams.

MARY (CON’T)
Sing.

She twists harder.

AC
(yowls)
They are weak but he is strong.

Mary lets go, smiles and musses his hair.

MARY
Now was that so hard.

He growls and touches her on the forehead with his index
finger killing her instantly.AC smiles devilishly, Jesus tries to hold in a laugh. ACsnaps his fingers and a hungry looking vulture perches on the arm of the cross next to AC. The vulture glares at the Cockatiel.

COCKATIEL
(nervous)
Wow, tough crowd!

Hops from one foot to the next, back and forth.

COCKATIEL (CON’T)
(sings)
I ‘ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy
down in my heart.

JESUS
Where?

COCKATIEL
Down in my heart, down in my
heart.

Jesus uses his nail hole as a roach clip and looks for a
match as the bird continues to sing.

JESUS
Hey BUB! can you light up my
spliff?

AC doesn’t spin his chair this time but spins his head
around and breaths fire into Jesus’ hand lighting the
joint. AC returns to his preparations, as Jesus gets
higher. SHELLY the make-up girl walks in and screams when
she sees Mary dead on the floor. AC smiles and carries on
with his affirmations. Jesus jumps in his chair and the
Cockatiel stops singing. The vulture raises its wings and
elongates its neck menacingly.

JESUS (CON’T)
(looks at Shelly)
You should probably forget about
that.

He touches her forehead with his index finger and her
eyes go blank. He then reaches down and touches his
mother and she comes back to life.

MARY
(wagging finger)
Again with the resurrection!
(looks at Shelly)
Kills his own mother!

SHELLY
(snaps out of it)
W, wh, what?

Mary looks at Jesus and then AC with an imploring look.

MARY
She seems nice.

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